Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum. She has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone, which is why I have a sense of guilt about the name of my blog, as for any other reason I would love to be just like my mum.
My mum is a boozer, a heavy drinker consuming at least 1 -1.5 bottles of wine every night. It changes her from the lovely, glamorous, caring, gentle, beautiful mother and nana into a women who bickers and makes snide comments . A women who finds any excuse to buy wine. A women consumed by uncontrollable drinking.
The problem is, is that i think that i am becoming just like her, although rather than being snide and unhappy i turn into the loud, gregarious, lets pull a brown eye boozer. I too LOVE wine and having the bloody piss fairy tapping on my shoulder every night at 5pm (4pm weekends) doesn’t help. It’s a constant struggle and I find that I am getting sick and tired of the continual internal dialogue with myself about how much i drink.
So how much am I drinking, lets be honest here…..3 glasses of wine every night and NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I’m not talking about 3 standard drinks, I’m talking about at least a 200ml pour each time – 3/4 to a whole bottle of wine each night. There are seldom nights off. The longest period of abstinence not lasting even a week after a horrible New Years Eve, with my daughter calling her father as she was frightened as “mummy keeps banging in to the walls”.
I knew the moment I woke up discombobulated on the toilet floor that I had crossed the line and gone to far. I passed out in the toilet, not knowing if my daughter had got to bed OK. The last thing i could remember was her crying on the phone outside. I made a promise to her New Years Day day that I would never touch alcohol again and that she would never see me like that again. I felt horrible and all i could think was I was becoming just like my mum. But i did touch alcohol again, only 3 days later….thankfully i haven’t been that drunk since.
No daughter at the age of 11 should be telling there mother that she has drunk to much and that she should be pouring the rest of her wine out. No daughter should have to ring her father in tears due to being frightened that her mother was out of control. No daughter should have to see there mother like that. I am a 42 year old women and I hate seeing my mother like that. I’ve hated it since the age of 18 and I still hate it.
I am tired of the internal dialogue telling me that I drink too much. I am tried of feeling tired. I am tired of feeling depressed. I am tired of feeling unhealthy. But most of all, I want the cycle to stop. I don’t want to be like my mother and I don’t want my daughter to develop the same behaviour.
So here it is, I am going to rid my life of alcohol. It starts today… Day One.